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Catcalling: A Guide to Flattering the Female Race

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Catcalling: A Guide to Flattering the Female Race

Danica Yeh

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“It was objectification when I didn’t want it to be,” said senior Sammy Stahl in regards to catcalling. Ah. The sweet sound of 21st Century misogyny.

Catcalling seems to be something that young women in today’s society are all too familiar with. It has become a habit: We hear it, we ignore it, and we walk away. Consequently, many appear to disregard the demeaning imprint that ensues from a classy ‘mamacita’, a tasteful ‘honey buns’ or an elegant ‘baby girl’. So, what’s the deal? Why are the typical whistles and obscenities not flattering women walking down the street? Could there possibly be a better way to grab their attention?

“There are some times when it’s a man walking by me that will look me up and down or say something and there’s a genuine fear,” explained senior Gabi Feingold. “It’s one of the worst feelings in the world.”

Obviously, these pet names aren’t working. If these compliments can’t attract women, what on earth will? Ask her on a date? No—too old-fashioned. Try to start a conversation? No—could be friend-zoned. See if she approaches you first? No—chances are too slim. Wolf whistling is definitely the best bet. The more vulgar, the more demeaning, the more brutal—the better.

The best tactic in pursuing women is to make us feel inferior. There is no feeling a woman loves more than that of vulnerability and menace. Make us feel bad about ourselves! Undermine our intelligence! Punch us in the face!  If men assert their dominance, we have no other choice than to fall in love with them for their masculinity, because what other purpose do women serve if not to be preyed on by passersby, eyeballed by strangers or feasted on by the hunger of lonely bystanders?

“[Catcallers’] excuse is always that it’s to show affection towards you, but honestly, it’s just to show their superiority,” said Feingold. “Women are lesser than men to them.”

Well that just can’t be true.

While some may attest to a gut-wrenching, fear-inducing pit that musters within the stomachs of those on the receiving end of such obscenities, it’s really no big deal. Catcalling comes nowhere close to sexual harrasment. To be frank, it’s veritable beauty. Even though it’s not wanted, not needed and not flattering, what’s the harm in a playful ‘Sup baby’? Their need to undress us in their minds, to chip away at our comfort, to reap us of our security derives from a place of love. It’s inevitable that women will remain subject to public degradation, so why not make it complimentary and humorous?

As means of reducing this so-called ‘unwanted attention’, “it’s important to instill the idea that objectifying women or objectifying anybody is not okay,” claims catcalling-victim senior Sofia Rosenberg.

But what about the alternative? Completely obliterating these comments seems nearly impossible, so why not attempt the opposite? There’s an easy solution to the unease caused by catcalling: just embrace it. Nothing compares to the warm feeling that comes with being verbally assaulted by an overweight, 250 pound dude standing outside the Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot. Nothing mirrors how an earnest ‘Dayummmm’ touches the heart.

Surely, every sensible woman should feel empowered by the heartfelt generosity of catcalling. While not many will fathom her intelligence, at least a majority of the public can respect her for her ‘thicc cake’.

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Catcalling: A Guide to Flattering the Female Race