Zade Mullin, Satire Editor

Pali has long been attempting to find the perfect acronym to protect the students in its district. This acronym would remind students of the alarming scenarios they could face at school, and has finally been created. Conveniently, it spells out BUSCEMI.

“B” is for Bees (mostly bumble in nature), “U” is for Union strike (by teachers of course), S is for Sovereignty (California leaves the Union), “C” is for Cavalry (in case we are assaulted by attackers on horseback), “E” is for Erdogan watch (take care of Turkey’s president) “M” is for middle-class revolt (always be prepared), and “I” is for ILY (I love you).

Each of these scenarios calls for a specific response by Pali students and staff, and it is important to conduct drills to ensure everyone is prepared.

In the event of a “B” drill , students must remember to stay calm. The first step is to help students who are deathly afraid of this harmless insect to come to their senses (excluding, of course, those with allergies, who are free to panic). After this, students should summon Mr. Engelmann, Pali’s certified bee-whisperer, by dropping a piece of trash on the floor.

Engelmann will appear behind you and ask, with just a hint of sarcasm, if you plan on throwing away your trash. This is a test. Make sure to not only say yes, but actually throw away the offending garbage. He will then reward you by catching the bee in his bare hands and adding it to his collection. Students should also bear in mind that as climate change continues to worsen, bees are expected to die, making this drill more and more obsolete.

“U” drills (Union strike) are extra important, because they require students to act of their own volition. Administration instructs students to take anything of value from their teacher’s desk and/or key their cars should the instructor leave the room to take part in a strike. Hopefully, this will help discourage teacher strikes, thus destroying the little power they have over the district.

“S” drills (Sovereignty) have been the topic of much debate, as some believe that California will never truly separate from the Union. However, should the day come, Pali should be prepared to aid our new government by further separating California from the fascist states. We will accomplish this by destroying the San Andreas fault, hopefully creating a Californian island. We may lose half of San Francisco and all the lives there, but on the other hand, we also lose Fresno and Bakersfield. There are pros and cons.

We may be ready for intruders on foot, but we are embarrassingly unprepared for attackers on horseback. This is where “C” drills come in. The dynamic of a melee shifts completely when cavalry is introduced. If a mounted attacker enters campus, students and staff should prepare for battle. Like dogs, horses follow an intricate pecking order determined by dominance. As such, students should T-pose aggressively to show the horse who’s really in charge. After this, students will be able to tell the horse to leave Pali, taking the intruder with them.

“E” drills involve watching Recep Tayyin Erdogan, the president of Turkey. He can’t be left home alone, so every so often Pali is called upon to watch him, just to make sure he’s okay. The last time he was left without a sitter, he staged a coup d’etat. That rascal!

This next scenario is very frightening for some Palisades residents, so it is especially important to know how to respond. “M” drills prepare students and staff for a middle-class revolt. One of the difficult aspects of this drill is that many teachers and students may themselves be a part of the revolt. As this is the case, the drill requires students to separate themselves by class. The honor system will be implemented. Those groups that would be a part of the revolt should then draft a document outlining their new economic plan, using the Communist Manifesto as a template. The upper-class will then review the document and promptly approve it, as the middle-class far outnumber them.

“I” drills prepare students for when Stavros from PE texts them “ILY <3,” but sends the same thing to three other girls. Does he really love you? If he does, are you ready for the commitment? First make sure your astrological signs are compatible; if he’s an Aries, that’s definitely not a good sign. During the “I” drill, students will play either Stavros or the student who received the text, and act out the scenario. Teachers will grade them on wooing ability.

BUSCEMI is projected to save at least seven lives within the next 48 school weeks. While LAUSD created the acronym, it is expected to spread across the nation within days, due to its unparalleled ability to prepare students for the gravest of situations. While it would be wonderful to live in a world that didn’t require these drills, we have to be realistic. As the great Steve Buscemi said after being rejected in the second grade for the part of a dwarf in his Catholic elementary school’s production of Snow White, “Oh, this is what life is.”