It’s the beginning of the school year and you’re sitting in math class. As the teacher takes roll, students pass around a sheet of paper, each adding their name and phone number before passing it on. A voice is heard over the din: “If anyone has a Samsung and messes up this chat, I’m going to lose my…”

While I’m not here to attack Samsung culture, I am here to say one thing — amen! The concept of one phone model being superior to others is justified by simple logic. I ask that all Tideline readers, whether you are male or female, tall or short, sexy or a ginger, take the Apple versus Android debate seriously.

I talked to Samsung user Bibi Fricotin about the benefits of a Samsung phone. Fricotin looked me dead in the eye and said “LOL, or lol, is an initialism for laugh(ing) out loud and a popular element of internet slang.” This did not in any way relate to my initial question, but she continued over my protests, adding, “It was first used almost exclusively on Usenet, but has since become widespread in other forms of computer-mediated communication and even face-to-face communication.” When I rushed Fricotin to the blood drive so they could test her for anemia, she broke free of my grip and did a backflip. Then, she screamed “Oh my god, I love Toontown! My favorite game of the year!” while foaming at the mouth.

Clearly, Samsung users are much smarter and more attractive and cooler and stronger and have sharper jawlines than Apple users and have ascended to a level of acumen that we blue-bubblers cannot even begin to fathom. However, one should never judge a physical entity by the culture surrounding it. Yes, Samsung users may be more intelligent and resemblant of the Grecian deities, as is easily deducible by my encounter with Bibi Fricotin, but does that mean their phones are better? I think not.

Apple’s efficient user interface makes using iPhones an extremely enjoyable experience. For example, you can swipe sideways on a text message to see exactly when the text was sent. I used this once when I woke up at 2 a.m. and saw a text from my super hot boyfriend. The message said “babe, I’m cheating on you… with Gritty, the Philadelphia Flyers’ mascot.” Thanks to Apple’s nifty software, I was able to swipe sideways and see just when this message was sent — now I know that my beautiful relationship fell apart at exactly 3:34 p.m. on Monday, Oct. 27. I asked if Gritty was open to a three-way relationship, but unfortunately he hates women.

Another helpful use of the iPhone is its high volume of storage (not more than Samsungs, but still a lot). Now, I can download as many Toontown Rewritten apps as I please. Samsung phones may be for the intellectually elite, but iPhones are perfect for downloading as much sensual Steve Buscemi fanfiction as one pleases.

A final feature of the iPhone that I use on the daily is the ability to share my ETA with friends. Last week, I was running late to the Gritty Cosplay convention, so I quickly shared my location with my super hot boyfriend, Pete Davidson. Pete subsequently replied: don’t text this number again. I’m getting the police involved. Thanks, Apple!

Look, as I said before, I’m not trying to put down Android users. For some people, Samsung phones are better. I would even recommend that my disabled blind monochromatic dog get one. But the Albanian population needs to face the fact that facts are facts, and not all phones are created equal.

As Bibi Fricotin best put it, “Android users are my emotional support dogs… and I’m HUNGRY.”