SATIRE: Are Gemini Unfit for AP Biology?

Pali’s Zodiac Club Says So, and the Board Agrees

Effective August 2022, Gemini students will no longer be able to register for AP Biology at Palisades Charter High School. Thanks to the efforts of the Zodiac Club, students will be granted access to advanced Biology courses based on their astrological sign rather than their previous grades or academic performance.

Junior Sasha Lattanzi, the Zodiac Club’s President, considers this a big win for the group whose members said they believe that the school and its counselors have sorely neglected important factors such as star alignment, zodiac signs and ruling planets when developing student schedules.

Lattanzi, who led the ban, explained that the motion was based on millenia of astrological research that dates back to ancient Mesopotamia. Her personal observations as a Libra as well as the study “Horoscopical Personalities” conducted by famous Mesopotamian astrologer Asm Muzayaf in 342 B.C.E backed up her proposal. 

“The study illustrated that Geminis are both erratic and hyper-active and they are therefore wholly incompatible with the advanced sciences.” Lattanzi said. “Personal experience has also revealed that they’re impulsive, immature airheads. I mean, come on, they literally have no off button. Do you really want a chatty, gossipy Gem as a lab partner when you’re trying to focus on dissecting a pig?”

AP Biology teacher Julie Benke taught students of every zodiac sign. With the writers occupied by AP Tests and final exams, they decided not to reach out to Benke for comment. 

Understandably, the new AP Bio rule was met with mixed reactions from students.

Gemini Victoria Hernandez said that she feels attacked by the decision. 

“The moment I opened Co – Star and saw that not only is the moon in its third quarter but Jupiter is rising, I knew there would be trouble,” Hernandez said. “Sure, Gemini are jokey and entertaining, but not all of us are class clowns. Harmful stereotypes around zodiac signs need to stop. This is discriminatory. I’m here to learn, but this new regulation is making that impossible for me.”

There are others, however, who applaud the decision.

Junior Gloni Hubbs said: “The ban will benefit AP Biology students as well as the future of our school. I’ve never gotten along with air signs, especially Gemini. Let’s face it, they blow.”

While many students are highly involved in a zodiac mindset, others deny this way of thinking. 

“This zodiac nonsense is the stupidest crap I have ever heard. The stars absolutely do not determine one’s personality,” said freshman Jaron Paris, who is a Scorpio. “In fact, Chris Rock and Will Smith are both air signs. They’re supposed to be totally compatible. But we all know what happened between them.”

Students and teachers staged a walkout in front of the Pali campus on April 5 to protest the decision. They held signs that read “Gemini Lives Matter” and “Stop Gemini Hate.” Chames Jarles, a famous fashion YouTuber and an avid member of the Gemini community, joined the movement and made multiple donations in support of Gemini students. 

After careful consideration, Pali officials voted to move forward with the plan to remove Geminis from AP Biology. Cancer sign students are expected to be targeted next, with a new motion currently in the works by the Zodiac Club.

Hernandez decided to explore suing the school, claiming that this bizarre policy violates her constitutional rights.

“What’s next? Will the pool be for water signs only?” Hernandez wondered aloud. “I will not let my fellow Geminis suffer without a fight. The stars are telling me to sue LAUSD and lift this ban. See you in court, Cancers!”