M&M’s® have officially rebranded, shocking America — and for good reason. The once sexy “spokescandies” have been seriously altered to fit an overtly progressive agenda. Most notably, the green M&M’s® redesign introduces pants, long-sleeves and a significantly less seductive pose. Americans should be outraged.

Using the alias “Ms. Green,” the green M&M’s® once sported a daring pair of high heeled boots, displaying the long, tan legs that supported her spherical body. America was content. But, as per usual, cancel culture struck again. Now, her bare skin is hidden from the public, never to be seen again.

Is this what our country has come to? Americans need to act, and they need to act now.

This campaign stretched even further when the M&M’s® company decided to remove their attractive, relatable and manly spokescandies from the packaging to market to women and women only and erase male representation in media. The company’s new package, which contains only the three woman M&M’s®  — green, brown and purple — is notably lacking in masculinity. Alas, we are witnessing sexism alive and well in America. Are the M&M’s® anti-man? We think so.

Natalie Alpert, a Pali sophomore, came face to face with this blasphemy on her way to her biology class.

“I was walking by the trash can and on the floor by my feet, I spotted one of those ‘women empowerment’ packages,” she shared. “I threw up in my mouth a little bit if I’m being honest.”

Santa Claus, a political analyst and concerned father of 15 small elfish creatures, supported us in our movement opposing this silly libby initiative. (P.S. — Submit your creative nicknames for the liberals to [email protected]).

Claus, who we’re pretty sure spent all of last year shutting down the North Pole Elves Labor Union Freedom Anti-Exploitation Movement (NPELUFAEM) said: “I’ve spent the last few decades putting my trust in the guy who sells me M&M’s® from the back of his white van. And truthfully, I don’t think that I can support his business anymore.”

This unnecessary redesign allowed for an equally scandalous controversy to be resurrected from the Twitter graveyard (all of Twitter at this point). When the Green and Brown M&M’s® were caught in a relationship, they posed a terrifying question to America: Are M&M’s® sentient and capable of love? Why can’t we find love? If the M&M’s® are getting more action than we are, what does that mean for humanity?

Now that the world’s eyes have been opened to the apparent sentience of these (creatures?), an air of revolution has emerged. The spokescandies, who have recently begun their journeys into Lin Manuel Miranda’s “Hamilton,” shared in a statement that it’s inspired them to begin their own independence movement: liberation from human consumption.

“Just like America fought for their independence from Britain in 1776, we want to fight for our independence from the Mars company,” Ms. Purple said. “We’re sick and tired of being treated like food, and we’re calling for the internet to back us up in #boycotting the Mars company. Spread the word: if you #livelaughlove M&M’s®, #cancelthemarscompany.”

Candy-loving parents are now becoming concerned for the messages the “spokescandy” lovers are sending to their young, adorable, joyful, grateful, well-rounded children.

“These satanists are hypnotizing our children with their chocolate-coated virtue signaling,” said caring mother of Malibu Barbie Paytas-Hacmon, Trisha Paytas. “My kid’s not eating broccoli — what choice do I have but to feed them this stuff? Every time you eat an M&M’s®, they weasel their way into your brain a little bit more. Honestly, I’m terrified.”

The M&M’s® think that they deserve to find love more than we do. And, they’re trying to cancel the company that gave them life? We are not #livelaughloving. No matter what these snowflake libby candies say, proud Americans will continue to enjoy our superiority over these chocolates (derogatory), and eat them with pride!