In the early morning of Nov. 6, Donald Trump was projected as the 76th President-elect.

After Kamala Harris replaced President Biden as the Democratic Presidential nominee in early August, she began a compressed three-month campaign against Trump. These impassioned months of debate, rallying and advertising foreshadowed the ultimate election result.

Trump initially expressed hesitance to follow through with a former commitment to debate President Biden in September after Harris was arranged to replace him. Granted, an opponent that happens to be awake would be a big change to grapple with.

Yet after intense public pressure, Trump agreed to debate Harris on Sept. 10, though this may be due to Trump’s confusion over whether he’d still be facing Biden; halfway through the debate, Trump revealed what seemed to be an unfortunate misunderstanding, insisting that “[Harris] is Biden.” Harris attempted to clarify for the 78-year-old that she is “obviously not Joe Biden.” Unfortunately, Trump did not fully comprehend this, instead referencing remarks, laws and even golf handicaps produced under Biden’s presidency. All that to say, he was definitely missing his old buddy Joe and their sporty banter. 

After rewatching the debate, Trump was shaken by the discovery that his opponent was in fact a woman. He fearfully connected the dots, finding the surge in Democratic polling numbers to be a result of the Harris campaign—a cruel, emasculating reality.

“A woman, she somehow is doing better than [Biden] did,” Trump exclaimed during an appearance on Fox News. 

Despite this completely valid confusion, when his new opponent was realized, Trump’s campaign and rhetoric were restructured to rapidly warn the public of Harris’ vision for America. Simultaneously, he spearheaded great, coherent plans for the future.

“I have concepts of a plan, I’m not president right now,” Trump confidently responded to questions about healthcare plans.

Trump successfully appealed to younger voters through the relatable sentiments of #procrastination and #whiningwithnosolution. We love a president who treats national healthcare the same way we treat our online Health course! And he can employ the same logic now that he’s been elected; a couple of months is plenty of time to craft plans for the entirety of the nation; we wouldn’t be surprised if he cleverly left it to the last week!

A major debate topic in this election was the economy. Voters are frustrated with rising prices, and Trump provided them with a welcome new economic policy. His primary plan is to slash taxes and raise tariffs on imported goods. This does mean that the federal budget deficit will skyrocket, and raised tariffs will manifest as a tax on American consumers, but not to worry! Corporations and the wealthy will receive huge financial growth (which they desperately need) and establish a trickle-down economy to pass their benefits onto the lower classes, a system which has had great historical success, despite what expert historians and economists have said. 

With solid proposals like this, Trump and his advisors insisted that he did not require any debate prep. Rather, they had “policy time.” While this may sound like Trump was put in a corner and told to think about what he’d done, it was meant to be a calculated approach to stay on topic with clearly defined plans.

In a post-debate interview with Fox News, Trump conveyed his perplexity with his opponent’s knowledgeable answers. 

“They had a rigged show with somebody who maybe even had the answers,” Trump said. “I watched her talk and I said, you know, she seems awfully familiar with the questions.”

It was unfair to expect Trump to be familiar with obscure, unpredictable concepts like “the economy” and “foreign policy.” “Policy time” was obviously a vindictive practical joke by Trump’s advisors to get this retired television star to concoct plans worthy of at most a laugh track. 

Loyal to his entertainment roots throughout his presidential campaign, Trump relied on dependable TV testimonies when discussing fantastical tales regarding border security.

“In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs,” Trump said regarding Haitian immigrants in Ohio. “The people that came in. They’re eating the cats. They’re eating the pets of the people that live there.” He defended this after being fact-checked by citing “the people on television” as the source of the claim. Following this declaration, videos circulated of the catastrophic reality unfolding in Ohio; streets blocked off for pet potlucks, with signs surrounding the tables detailing the entry requirement: “BYNP (bring your neighbor’s pet)!”

As displayed by this incredibly accurate and reasonable claim, YouTube conspiracies appear to have infiltrated Fox News. As is the case with any good conspiracy, it proposes hyper-realistic solutions: why go to a grocery store, even dumpster diving when you can break into a house? Why raid the fridge when you can steal and cook an animal?

To clarify, this (supposedly “debunked”) claim began with far-right activists and neo-nazis, which is likely where Trump got his arsenal of highly reliable fact-checked information. 

Another dystopia that Trump routinely warned of was that of Tim Walz’ murderous inclinations, insisting that Walz and his supporters commend the “execution” of babies after birth. Trump alleged that Tim Walz had sent children to the guillotine at the school where he taught, citing a grainy Facebook video from 2001. When asked to elaborate, the former President pointed Tideline to a viral post proclaiming that “THEY’RE EATING THE BABIES!” on Truth Social.

News outlets manipulatively insisted that this is reflective of the options given to parents when a newborn is fatal, and not a process in which Tim Walz sends any child he deems unworthy to die.

This radical dystopia Trump has unveiled is led by Kamala Harris, who Trump claimed is a “Marxist” and “fascist.”

Marxism is a far-left economic political philosophy that examines the flaws of a capitalist system, and advocates for power in the working masses. On the other hand, fascism is a far-right political philosophy that emphasizes authoritarianism. These two ideologies famously go together; Karl Marx and Mussolini were the best of buds.

Another aspect of Harris’ vision for dictatorship was bravely revealed to the public by Trump. That is, her desire to conduct “trans operations on illegal aliens in prisons.” 

According to the Trump campaign, Harris has personally visited 15 prisons across battleground states in the last month alone, performing over 100 surgeries. When Tideline reached out to get a source on this claim, the Trump campaign pointed to Elon Musk’s X page and refused to elaborate.

Coming Soon: Trump Buzzword Mad Libs (aka Trump’s official Campaign Prep Packet!). Includes classic Harris policies of mandatory sex-changing operations on incarcerated immigrants!

Trump’s landslide win of 312 electoral college votes against Harris’ 226 prevented the dystopia she clearly threatened, and the President-elect has made some outstanding moves toward accomplishing his future goals through his proposed appointments. 

In a stroke of pure genius, Trump has appointed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the administration’s Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. We already know from issues such as abortion and climate change that doctors and scientists are not to be trusted. That’s why appointing RFK Jr., who has no evil and corrupting medical or public health “degrees,” will allow ideas that scientists have claimed to debunk for years rightfully shape our law. From vaccines causing autism to fluoride in water lowering childrens’ IQs, we as a nation should trust RFK Jr.’s intuition and YouTube deep dives to fortify this nation’s health.

It’s clear that the knowledgeable, integrous Trump administration is going to focus on truly helping the American people, and put forth an ideal leader for a country that stands on transparency, equality and freedom.