According to the entirely factual and reputable source Nextdoor, unbiased Circling the News and most definitely reliable anonymous eyewitness reports, the Palisades is facing a threat far more sinister than any encountered since Rick Caruso vowed to rename the Palisades “Caruso-sades” if elected mayor. And no, it is not a major risk of flooding or the homeless crisis; those are not the kind of problems that Palisadian mothers ponder as they sip their Erewhon smoothies. Rather, they contemplate how the precious Palisadian community is being terrorized by the Satan-worshiping, acne-ridden, firework-throwing, nicotine-addicted scums known as people between the ages of 13 and 18.
Now, valued Palisadian citizens are moving to incarcerate and humiliate these so-called “teenage terrorists.”
Following complaints about rising crime and teenage delinquency, Palisades Against Violence and Bullying (PAVB) is a newly formed vigilante organization created to target teens. Units of this organization will hone in on individuals with titanium iPhone 15s and report any and all sightings of illicit activity to PAVB Headquarters. PAVB is recruiting people who “have experience in community organizing, advocacy or simply a strong desire to make a difference.”
Calls for an “independent investigation force,” as PAVB describes themselves, began after a local pharmaceutical store, CVS, reported that its “profits and dignity” were being assaulted by teenage terrorists as of late.
A beloved brand engaged in a devastating struggle against industry giants like Palisades-RX in the pharmaceutical space, CVS is struggling to mitigate burglaries from the local youth. While CVS thought that sensors near their front door would prevent burglaries, teenage terrorists have learned that if they run, CVS employees are not paid enough to chase them.
PAVB is outraged by this behavior and have issued multiple statements that back in their day, nobody would steal from anything, ever.
“Our generation would never ever ever ever ever steal from a local drug store,” said a concerned Palisadian. “When I was a kid, I would walk into my local Thrifty, grab a fistful of baseball cards and appropriately pay for them. I’m glad PAVB is here to stop the teenage troublemakers.”
Paul ‘Lil Doc’ Wallace, a former Crips leader now serving time in prison, firmly supported this movement.
“PAVB is trying to be the Batman to the Palisades’s Gotham,” he stated. “And I’m here for it.”
Apart from PAVB’s anger over teenagers robbing local businesses, they are also upset about teenagers’ usage of fireworks at the Palisades Recreation Center.
According to Dan Long, height-challenged delinquents have also “set off M-80s and other explosives (not just fireworks) all over the Palisades.”
These fireworks, while clearly safe for adults, become weapons of mass destruction when they reach the hands of children.
“I wanted to start a forest fire during my upcoming gender reveal party,” said one middle-aged Palisadian woman. “We’re trying and we already mapped out a beautiful stretch of brush to put flares in. Teenagers cannot take such an opportunity away from me.”
Forest fires are clearly adult territory and not something that children should be allowed to encroach on.
More radical Palisadians plan to take matters even further.
“Dangerous actions of local teens infringe upon my Ninth Amendment rights, and I will enforce these using my Second Amendment rights if they do not stop these actions,” one PAVB-associated mom said.
Local religious leader Joe Ramirez posted on Nextdoor a possible reason as to why delinquent activities from teenagers have spiked.
“The local church has lost its influence, especially on the new generation,” Ramirez wrote.
Los Angeles politicians have recently agreed to increase punishments for teenage terrorism and to increase police resources in the Palisades, now considered the most dangerous neighborhood in Los Angeles (although PAVB describes the Palisades as the most dangerous neighborhood on the planet).
Mike Bonin, a former beloved Palisades city council member, made a promise to all of his surrogates and the members of PAVB in the wake of the teen-driven crime wave.
“Not on our stretch of PCH,” Bonin declared.
Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass also chimed in on this major issue.
“As your mayor, I will not rest until these scabs upon society known as teenagers are properly indoctrinated or sent to prison to help you valuable citizens in the Palisades!” Bnce throughout the Palisades, and promises to pressure Los Angeles prosecutor George Gascón to arraign young adults who so much as step foot within CVS or the Palisades Recreation Center. If Gascón chooses to prosecute these delinquents, it will be his first round of prosecutions since he won his election in 2020. Experts predict that Gascón will recommend prison sentences of 5-10 minutes for each teenager caught breaking the law.
PAVB has hailed local politicians’ reactions to their cause. “Karen Bass has our vote,” the official PAVB Nextdoor page said in a post.
PAVB’s message is clear: Teenage terrorism in the Palisades must be stopped.
