Satire: The Santos Subversion

Another day, another lie. New York Rep. George Santos has been ridiculed after launching his political career for “mildly and lightly stretching the truth in a way to truly connect me to our core American values,” according to New York Magazine. Let’s review a few of the widely reported falsehood fibs attributed to Santos: he lied about where he went to school, where he worked, how he got any of his money, his mother’s death, his grandmother being a Holocaust victim, having employees that died in the Pulse shooting, possibly having a short stint on Disney Channel, being a producer of Broadway’s Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark musical, being Jewish, not being a drag queen, possibly having a husband and that one time he stole money from a veteran’s dying dog. 

However, perhaps his biggest lie has yet to be reported. Prepare to be aghast, because the man we know today as George Santos isn’t actually George Santos, according to internationally renowned scientists.

Santos is, in fact, the reincarnation of founding father George Washington, as revealed by a recent metaphysical analysis of Santos’s unique DNA coding by the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) as part of the criminal probe into his finances and political expenditures.

This revelation comes as Santos recused himself from committee assignments. To date, he also refuses to resign from Congress. 

Some believe that Santos’s new persona is for the better, as this new development is prompting a litany of confusion and excitement. Who better to answer the constitutional conundrums of the day than Washington himself? We can finally have the answers to so many problems that we face as a society. For the first time ever, we’ll get a real answer on whether or not someone 250 years old agrees with banning AR-15s! 

Scientists around the world are understandably puzzled by this new finding. Such an inexplicable, unproven and spiritually-based process such as reincarnation has never before been proven by a DNA test. But in Santos’s case, it seems the lines of gene coding were there all along. 

In a frenzy, Republican House Speaker Kevin McCarthy pushed out countless statements claiming that he is working closely with Santos’s team (which Santos very sincerely promises exists and is not just him frantically replying to emails at 1 a.m.) to find a solution to this possible problem.  

However, the Speaker also called on Santos to return to committee assignments and offered him a permanent leadership position on the House Judiciary Committee. 

“The Congressman’s hidden identity may, in fact, offer us much value,” McCarthy said in a statement to The Santos Post. “Never before have we had the opportunity to have such a new and fresh perspective — an old white guy pulling the strings behind the scenes to dictate a clear, obtainable agenda that will allow us to further our political goals. This will undoubtedly have a positive effect on the nation, but only if we proceed rationally.”

President Joe Biden himself has not yet publicly addressed the issue, as he typically does not like to speak on issues (or speak to anyone, for that matter), but White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said that “the President believes that we can move forward and work with this new development once we can figure out what’s true and what isn’t.” 

Jean-Pierre said that she believes that there is an “immense opportunity in this moment to convince Manchin and Sinema to pass the rest of Build Back Better, please.” 

When asked to elaborate, she declined. 

At a virtual press conference Santos hosted from his $83 billion starship (that he very sincerely promises was not a Zoom greenscreen and is in fact real), Santos revealed that his reincarnation is a reality he’s known about since birth, claiming that he never disclosed it because he “feared cancel culture.” 

When this was revealed live, it took former President Donald Trump a record 8.94857283 seconds to lambast the representative on Truth Social for not making it a campaign point and went on to explain that he believes Santos would be good to keep around. 

Trump wrote: “George Santos should have made clear that he was the man for the job ALL ALONG! Having Washington in the Republican ranks will make the party better BIGLY! The RADICAL, SOCIALIST, WOKE, DISGRACEFUL, DERANGED, DEMOCRAT, AMERICA-LAST, UNPATRIOTIC, CROOKED, LEFTIST, ANARCHIST, COMMUNIST LEFT will try to call Santos a FRAUD, but he (very similar to me) did what HAD TO BE DONE to SUCCEED, even if it DID involve fraud! TRUMP 2024! GEORGE SANTOS-WASHINGTON will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!!!”

Pali students said that they are shocked by the DNA findings, as Santos now has a genuine possibility of being included in the updated AP Government and AP U.S. History curriculum for the 2023-24 school year. 

As a real politician, ASB member and sophomore Taylor Regen believes that “Santos’ lies only echo the real problem in America: Where are our founding fathers? They dipped, and no one has thought to contact them since? Santos only helped our country grow by claiming to [embody] George Washington.”  

It remains unclear exactly how much of Washington’s life Santos still remembers and how the reincarnation itself manifests. During the aforementioned press conference, the representative contradicted himself a total of 32 times in 20 minutes. For example, he claimed at one point that he knows nothing of what Washington thinks of certain issues. Five minutes later, he went on to say that Washington “is like a second consciousness, always speaking to me in a far-off voice.” When asked a similar question about seven minutes later, he stated that he occasionally had “vivid hallucinations” and that the first President would visit him in his dreams and give him life advice (which he then proceeded to ignore, but he promises very sincerely that he’ll be more receptive now).