The online student newspaper of Palisades Charter High School


The online student newspaper of Palisades Charter High School


The online student newspaper of Palisades Charter High School


Satire: Ranking 2024 Presidential Candidates

Zacharie Sergenian

Voting can be confusing. While at first glance, American politics seem to be neatly divided into easy-to-understand sides (Democrat vs. Republican, blue vs red), there’s more complexity within the electoral process than can be gleaned at a first impression.

In analyzing this year’s top presidential candidates, it’s imperative that we ask ourselves some pressing questions, to best determine how their presidencies will impact our futures. Are they too old? Too extreme? Too sexy?

We’ll guide you through our thoughts on some of the most popular presidential candidates, so you can help make the most informed choice for our country.

The Green M&M: This candidate has compelling viewpoints, promising a strengthening of workers’ rights as a continuation of her very public divulgence from the “spokescandy” label, given her species’ suffering due to corporate exploitation by the Mars Company. However, significant limitations in her personal capabilities give us pause — namely her round, sexy body. It’s no secret that the Green M&M is widely acclaimed as the sexiest of her species (see this previous article), and we believe that this renders her unfit to manage our government, which values professionalism and a seriousness of demeanor. Not to mention the fact that she’s a woman!

Walt Disney’s Cryogenically Frozen Head: This reactionary candidate has been vocal about returning the United States to the “good ol’ days,” and it won’t be hard for him, given that he’s lived through the entirety of the 20th century — serving as a continued testament to America’s former glory. The 123-year-young politician is in no danger whatsoever of falling victim to senility, and his action plan serves as evidence of his maturity and wisdom. Disney’s plan to spark a third world war, with the intention of reliving his magical childhood days, is honorable. His experience in the propagation of youthful joy demonstrates his clear knowledge as to what children most need to be successful in life.

“It’s so devastating to see the children of today be so sensitive and immature,” he explained in a recent press release. “Another world war will set them straight.”

We think that Disney’s confidence in the future of our country is admirable, and we’re excited to see what he can do for the benefit of our society.

Exxon Mobil: Though technically a corporation, this candidate has all the characteristics of a powerful leader, and we believe that they are capable of transforming our country into the utopia it should be. Through their extensive involvement in the oil-extraction industry, Exxon Mobil has deep roots in our American economy, and as such, stands as a testament to the American dream of corporate domination. Their plans to remove all vegetation and natural landscapes from our country (establishing oil rigs in their place) will not only stimulate our economy tenfold; it will recreate the pizzazz of the industrial revolution. We see Exxon Mobil as an incredibly viable candidate to be seriously considered — not only for the benefit of our country, but for the benefit of the planet.

Dewey Dolphin: Possibly the most popular candidate among us and our Palisadian peers, Dewey knows what the country needs: increased public investment of taxpayer dollars in a mandatory rollout of Lenovo laptops for all American citizens. With this one-to-one program, the U.S. government will have full access to the online activity of their citizens, contributing to the strengthening of our country’s national security. As an added bonus, the laptops will come equipped with a complimentary bathroom pass, so that Americans can feel safe and supported during all of their urinary excursions.

“National security is my top priority,” Dewey said. “The billions of dollars going to these computers will prevent all of the threats to our incredible country that unlimited internet and bathroom access poses.”

We hope to see all of you at the polls this year exercising your right to vote. We know that you will make the best decision possible for the future of our country, and wish you luck in your democratic endeavors!

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About the Contributors
Gigi Appelbaum-Schwartz
Gigi Appelbaum-Schwartz, Features Editor
Gigi Appelbaum is a Junior at Pali, and she joined Tideline as a freshman - making this her third year on its staff. This year, Gigi is a Features Editor - and she can’t wait to help Tideline’s writers make their stories the best they can be. Outside of school, Gigi loves reading and creative writing. She volunteers for a crisis hotline called Teenline and is involved in an organization that supports California animal rescues. Gigi also spends her time hanging out with friends, listening to music, and attempting to teach herself how to surf and crochet. She’s excited to contribute meaningful work to Tideline this year! 
Arik Kraft
Arik Kraft, Sports Editor
Arik Kraft is a Junior and this his third year on Tideline staff. This year, he’ll work as Sports Editor and is so excited to help others improve their writing skills. Outside of school, he works at a Karate studio and spends a lot of time volunteering for animal rescues. He loves helping others and spending time with friends and family. He can’t wait for another amazing year at Tideline.
Zacharie Sergenian
Zacharie Sergenian, Staff Illustrator
Zacharie Sergenian is a first-year staff illustrator for Tideline and is excited to work for the publication. Outside of school, Zacharie plays guitar (bass and electric) and has a deep love for making music with friends.