The College Board, a “non-profit” organization responsible for providing high school students with “rigorous, college-level classes” according to the North Carolina Department of Public Instruction, has recently hired Napoleon Bonaparte to be their new CEO.
Bonaparte’s former job experience includes serving as the self-crowned king of France.
Bonaparte said he hopes to use this experience to improve the non-profit’s profit margins. “The immediate problem that I identified is that we aren’t selling enough of students’ data,” Bonaparte declared. “Right now we only make $100 million a year from selling student data; it’s not enough. I look at all these other companies, Amazon, for example, and I see, frankly, that nobody’s main focus is profits. One of the reasons I came to the College Board is that they don’t have such flaws.”
Bonaparte’s salary has not yet been announced, but it is expected to be significantly higher than the College Board’s entire Executive Compensation in 2022, which neared $9 million.
Bonaparte said that while his salary would be high, it would also be completely appropriate, considering that in addition to managing the company, he would have to manage its $2 billion in assets and $162 million in Caribbean Tax Havens.
“Taxes suck,” said Bonaparte. “Except when they go to me.”
In a decision unrelated to Bonaparte’s appointment, the College Board recently removed the Haitian Revolution from their history course curriculum.
“Bias? Bah. We aren’t the government, we’re a… nonprofit. We are within our right to decide what students should be learning,” said one College Board executive.
Bonaparte said that despite his initial expectation that the College Board would not be optimized for profitability, upon being hired, it seemed to be a very well-run, exploitative, company.
“When entering this job, I thought ‘Hey, they at least have had to pretend like they aren’t rolling in it, like they don’t care about money, right?’ Then I realized they were charging states $37 million a year to let poor kids take tests that colleges may or may not accept,” Bonaparte said. “They’re making $150 million a year, how am I supposed to compete with that?”
Bonaparte recently announced that he has formulated a “brilliant, three-step plan to make the College Board great again.”
One portion of Bonaparte’s plan is to revamp the College Board’s image by making his reign the premiere topic of all of their history courses.
“Currently AP History courses start as early as 1,000 C.E. Like, damn, nobody wants to hear about that,” said Bonaparte. “Let’s just start on August 15, 1769.”
Recently, per investigative journalism on Tideline’s Tik Tok account, 100% of Pali students have deemed history before 1,000 C.E. to be based on conspiracy theories. Historians are in a frenzy over this declaration from the CEO, wondering if even more history will be erased from the minds of the youth.
“Sunni, Shia, what’s the difference?” asked Bonaparte. “The Roman Empire isn’t even real.”
Bonaparte declined to comment on other plans he has to revamp the college board, but promised that he will “Bring the Boom back to education.”
Stage two of Bonaparte’s plan involves utilizing its monopoly on high-level education in high schools to make “so much money people won’t believe it,” according to President-elect Donald J. Trump.
Some ideas provided by the College Board’s Board of Trustees to increase profits include creating a subscription service aptly named Acorn+ which will guarantee one’s right to take College Board Exams and allow access to their easy-to-use platform, AP Classroom.
During the press release for this service, the College Board announced that there would be “none of that free trial nonsense” and that they may make separate, more “reasonable tests” for those who retain their subscriptions year-round.
Napoleon also has ideas to maximize the College Board’s profits. His newest one? Their patented “just get in” service.
“It’s not bribery, it’s bold,” The College Board announced in its tagline for the product. “You simply pick a school for your child to get into, and they will just get accepted! We’ll even share some of the profit with the chosen college.”
“I’m so smart,” Napoleon said in regards to his plans to increase College Board profits.
Meanwhile, for now, the third stage of Bonaparte’s plan is hidden from the public except for the cryptic message he posted on X: “Acorns shall fly through the air of Moscow soon.”
In summarizing his ideas, Napoleon said that they were not limited to the mortal writings of this paper and that we would be shocked at his brilliance after his complete plan was in place.
When questioned about the morality of their changes under Napoleon, the CFO of the College Board Charles Ponzi said, “We the College Board… we’re the good guys. We are just a nonprofit that wants to provide high-quality, college-level courses to the students of America. Our tests are fair and accurate. We barely even sell your data. We’re hip. You can trust us, for sure.”
