Between the faintings, seizures and sickness sweeping through Pali South, it has become clear: God is angry.
The incidents began in January when Dr. Magee ascended the Temescal Mountains on a professional development retreat. In her absence, students—leaderless and WiFi-deprived—constructed a golden idol of Dewey the Dolphin and began to worship it.
“It felt right,” said senior Alice Amorim. “Like Dewey was finally getting the respect he deserved.”
When Magee descended from the mountain, she saw the golden Dewey and became angry. According to multiple witnesses, she threw a LABUBU to the ground of Temescal Canyon Road, and the 10 plagues began.
First, darkness fell upon the land—a school-wide power outage. For the first time ever, students had to take handwritten notes. Panic spread. Locusts, also known as freshmen, pervaded the school. Painful boils, commonly referred to as acne, afflicted students across grade levels.
More recently, the final and most terrifying plague arrived: the plague of sickness.
Magee tried to alleviate concerns, saying: “Everything is fine. There is no evidence of any sickness at Pali, despite what you may have seen, heard, or personally experienced.” Despite Magee’s reassurance, parents’ concerns persist.
One student has taken a more forceful stance. “Let my people go,” said Moses. Before him, students seized and collapsed in unison, parting like the Red Sea.
Moses then passed out while attempting to scale the staircase to the forbidden fourth floor, which he claimed “leads to heaven” and away from the basement, which he claimed “is hell.”
Senior and ASB Treasurer Nathan Hall shared his thoughts: “It makes sense. If people are collapsing in an ancient building with a recently constructed air filtration system, the first suspicion should be God. Or asbestos. But mostly God.”
In the wake of the plague, the campus fractured into competing religious factions: The Orthodox Deweyites, who leave offerings of Lenovos and cartridges at the base of the golden idol, and The Reformed Church of Dewey, who call for the separation of Dewey and state.
In a more recent development, The Book of Deweyteronomy—a sacred text currently being written by several juniors in AP Lang—claimed that a “Chosen One” will save Pali from the plagues.
It identified the Chosen One as Nathan Hall, who immediately denied the allegation. Unfortunately for him, to the Orthodox Deweyites, this sounded suspiciously like: “I am what I am not” – Deweyteronomy 4:12.
With fainting, seizures and religious factions on the rise, the cause of the plagues remains unknown. Either way, the writing is on the (moldy) wall. Someone is going to have to sacrifice their free period.
