Pali’s Executive Director and Principal Lord Pamela Magee recently unveiled a new WiFi network entitled “PCHS_Admin” in collaboration with Pali’s renowned Tech Office. Pali’s Tech Office is known for achievements such as forcing students to use computers that barely function, failing to block games on school WiFi and instituting school-wide software updates twice daily.
The new “Admin” network is codenamed by Lord Magee “Project Candy Crush” because it seeks to allow school administrators to use their time more effectively by playing games at work rather than doing absolutely nothing.
“We, the administrators, really need an Admin WiFi network because the student and staff network are too slow and theoretically could block our gaming,” Lord Magee said in a written statement to Tideline. “The other networks just don’t work so it makes sense to establish a new WiFi network for the People of Pali who really need it, the administrators.”
The network cost $1 million to implement, but Lord Magee said that was fine because “it was just grant money and it had to go to technology anyway.”
Lord Magee noted that Project Candy Crush may even save the school money as it continues to divest from students and teachers and invest into administrative bloat.
When asked about the speed of the new WiFi network, the head of Pali’s Tech Office told Tideline that, “All WiFi networks at Pali would be equal, but some would be more equal than others.”
Students and teachers, commonly referred to by Pali administration as “peasants” and “serfs,” respectively, have raised concerns about the investment into an administrative WiFi network as student and staff networks barely function. “They said I didn’t really need WiFi anyway,” said one serf. “I teach Government.”
Other members of the proletariat argued that Pali’s investment into Project Candy Crush will not result in increased WiFi disparities between Pali’s classes. “It doesn’t really matter how many people or how much money they throw at an administrative WiFi network,” said Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass. “I mean how hard is it to address obvious problems, especially with all of the resources they have?”
Lord Magee said that community member concerns about the Admin WiFi network were unwarranted. “Even if the new Admin WiFi network doesn’t work, it will still waste a ton of money, so it’s in line with California Education Code.”
One serf said that the Admin WiFi password would likely leak to teachers who want working WiFi. “What will probably happen is the password will leak for a week, and then they’ll change it and make the password really complicated,” they said. “Then it’ll leak not a day later and the cycle will repeat for literal months until the tech office decides to give up and go back to playing Candy Crush all day.”
In response to these concerns, a spokesperson for Pali’s Tech Office said that seizing the means of production for the Admin WiFi (its password) by teachers or students would not be tolerated.
The spokesperson concluded with a concession and promise to the People of Pali, saying “all of Pali’s WiFi networks, especially the Admin WiFi network, will certainly run smoothly in the future, even on the second floor of the E building.”
